This year I was not in my typical New Year’s mood. I did not do any reviewing or intention setting.

I was sick with a high fever, searing pain and disgustingly swollen tonsils on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day 😑 — but also, I was content to practice accepting myself as I was. Sick, sad, depleted and all.

Because it’s okay to be not okay.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

A few weeks ago I made the decision to take a break from my job as a nurse because I was not okay.

I do so much to stay well in my work so, initially, I experienced my need to take a break as a failure of my practices.

But for goodness sake, it was only BECAUSE OF my practices that I was even able to notice that I was not okay — and it was definitely because of my practices that I was able to muster up the strength of will to do something about it.

I am so proud and thankful that I am self aware enough to know when I need to take time to take care of myself — and that I ACTUALLY DO IT.

Sticking up for myself in this way pushed up against so much culture and conditioning and policies and expectations and paperwork — and yet I was steady in my knowing.

I will not betray my body’s messages.

I will not give to others when what I actually need is to restore and refuel myself.

I have been exposed to highly unnatural amounts of sorrow, suffering and trauma.

My body needs time to metabolize.

My spirit needs space to rest.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

I’ve taken care of hundreds of dying people while also facing multiple devastating personal losses, including an unthinkable tragedy in my family.

It’s okay to be not okay.

In fact, I would be worried if I was fine.

If feeling into pain and taking a pause to rest is wrong — then I don’t wanna be right.

So, no cleansing rituals or resolutions for me this year.

Instead, I am appreciating the spaciousness of allowing myself to BE and wishing the same for those I love.

Cheers to 2019 

(PS: In addition to being not okay, I am also well, supported, inspired and loved — it is possible to be so many things at once, thank goodness ♥︎)

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